We’ve all been there: heartbreak, loss of the one you loved, and the eventual realization that you would no longer be with the person you once envisioned your whole life with. For a long time, I thought I was immune to this lovelorn misery. Sure, I had gone through my share of breakups, but, frankly, I never allowed myself to get close enough to really feel the sadness that came from feeling loss. Even after my longest relationship—just shy of six years—ended, I’d reached a place where I was ready to move on and let go way before it was truly over. It protected me from feeling too much. But, even Super Man has his kryptonite. And, eventually I met mine. Our connection was instantaneous; the walls I’d used to block off past suitors magically vanished, and for the first time in my adult life, my heart was susceptible to everything between us. We were a high speed roller-coaster and the ride was every bit of thrilling, body altering scary, and exhilarating. Falling harder and faster than ever before- it was over before I could ever finish catching my breath. And there I was. Left with scattered pieces, battling pain I never before allowed myself to feel. Questioning everything, losing myself, and even chasing him to make it work. Realizing in that moment what it felt like to be completely vulnerable and defeated. Watching with my hands tied, what I so eagerly hoped would be different just fade away. Eventually surrendering to what I could not change. Funny how there’s no lesson plan on the very real things that shake our worlds up. And, yet, sometimes the hardest part of a breakup isn’t in the loss itself rather in the coping with the real and uncomfortable stages of disparate emotions you experience. Because, let’s face it, when you’re in it, all you want to do is run as fast and far away as possible. When in reality, the real lessons, the one’s that will simply be repeated until you get them, will come only when you've allowed yourself to sit oh so fucking tenderly with each and every one of them:
When you build a bond with a person, they immediately become a part of your circle; you’ve allowed them to enter into your life and deemed them important enough to stay there, even if just for a brief moment. You probably shared some of your most intimate stories with them, exposing a level of vulnerability most bystanders never see. So, without fail, you feel a deep sense of loss and sadness the moment the rug is pulled and you realize they no longer want to be a part of your life. You fixate on what went wrong and recount the things you said, he said, what could have been or what should have been. But as with any addiction or life event, you need to embrace your sadness, allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling; giving yourself permission to mourn your loss.
At some point leading up to the break-up, expectations were likely not being met and communication was getting rocky. You might be angry at the other person or you might be angry at yourself, and that’s okay. If you’re angry, be angry! Don’t rush these emotions, really sit with them. Being angry brings back that part of you that realizes you deserve more. Up until now you were so caught up with sadness that you forgot about your sense of self-worth. Being angry is essential to this process, it’s a sign you are on the trajectory of getting through it. This is also when those awesome friends of yours really come in handy. There is no better way to come to terms with what happened then to talk it out and vent. Consult your trusted and closest advisers. When they’re your real friends, they will lift you up and, most importantly, never judge you for any slip-ups you make in the process…well, not right away anyways ;)
Did you ever really want to be with someone who didn't choose you? Would being the fuck maybe ever have been sufficient for someone you thought was a fuck yes? NO! While acceptance won't always be easiest or desired thing, it will be the right thing. Sure, accepting something is over is damn difficult at first. To really surrender to the idea that something has come to an end takes a lot of strength and a lot of clarity. But, it’s only when you’ve broken down and felt the pain that you can pick yourself up and re-build a stronger you, a better you. It's when you can see that being a fuck yes will always beat the frustrations of an ambiguous fuck maybe. One day the sadness will diminish, the anger will be too exhausting to hold onto, and you’ll have nothing left but to surrender. You’ll accept the things you cannot change and see that letting go is not planned or calculated, it's just done.
Those that come into our lives are a mirror, presented as an opportunity to see ourselves through another person’s eyes. When you reflect, you’ll start to see many of the aspects of yourself that you never acknowledged before. You’ll think about why you keep dating ‘unavailable’ or ‘noncommittal’ types and wonder if that’s the frequencies you’ve been putting out. You’ll reflect on why you allowed that relationship to impact you the way it did. When you figure that out, you might also see why the timing or the person wasn’t right for you, making it easier to move on to the next stage and understand what you're truly looking for too.
As human beings, we are constantly growing and evolving from experiences both ugly and beautiful. Getting out of a relationship is the best catalyst to reinventing yourself. Take the opportunity to use what you’ve learned to redirect and rebrand yourself into a better you. This is your chance to be selfish- do what you want, when you want, simply because you can. There is a sense of freedom that comes with every ending—the idea that you are no longer accountable for anything or anybody but yourself. Take advantage of it. Become the person you want to be. It may sound cliché, but that’s simply because it’s true: it’s only when you stop waiting for someone that the person of your dreams will find you. Who knows—maybe you’ll meet them on the awesome yoga retreat where you’re celebrating your newfound sense of self. Whenever it happens, chances are you’ll never see it coming—because you’ll be too busy loving your new life and self, more than you ever did before!