PSA to all my ladies: stop allowing men to control your emotions! I see this all too much, whether it’s myself or friends. I’m here to nip it in the bud and give us some tough love. We need a wake-up call. It’s time to unshackle these constraints hindering our chance at true happiness that create roadblocks to becoming our best selves. Before we embark on this journey, I’m issuing a fair warning: you’ll have to dig deep, it will be difficult, and it will require practice.
I’ve had a few significant relationships in my life that have been tumultuous, passionate, and painful. On the bright side, they have been enlightening and I learned valuable lessons on how to not allow others to control my emotions.
My first love was full of intense highs and lows. I was madly in love with a man who controlled me in so many ways. I allowed him to emotionally bring me to ruins. I came out of that relationship with low self-esteem and a warped sense of my worth. He infiltrated my mind and created a deceiving depiction of my worth. It took me a long time to recover from that experience and start rebuilding my thoughts and sense of self.
In my most recent relationship, I was on an emotional roller coaster. My emotions were dependent on the health of the relationship. When we were good, I was happy. When we were bad, I was miserable. Regardless of how amazing my life was going, my mood depended on us. There were moments in that relationship where I became someone so far from my heart and soul. Mean, vindictive, resentful, and rude- I barely recognized myself.
As a newly single woman, I’m trying my best to navigate through the dating game. I resolve to create a new stage of enlightenment. I’m determined to ace the course and not repeat the same mistakes.
After completing November’s life goal of love yourself, I’ve been on a newfound quest of self-validation and self-fulfillment. I’m flipping my world upside down when it comes to my pre-constructed beliefs of what successful relationships should look like.
This time around, I refuse to let a man sway my emotions in any way. I’ve constructed five easy steps to never succumb to an emotional chokehold again!
Step 1: Put your emotions in check
You know those moments when he makes you so damn mad that you vent to your girlfriends for hours? These are critical moments to put your emotions in check. Take the time to rant to your girls; that’s what we’re here for but don’t make any rash decisions or send that pissed off text you secretly have mentally drafted. Our emotions are so fickle; they change minute by minute so give yourself time to breathe, think, and assess why you’re feeling the way you are.
Step 2: Gain some perspective
The bestie Melissa shared this awesome quote with me that everyone should internalize, “5 by 5 Rule: If it’s not going to matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than five minutes upset by it.” How great is that?! Next time you’re freaking out about his latest fuck up, ask yourself if it will matter in five years, if not get over it!
Step 3: Discover the why
Enough of the bullshit where we get mad at our guys for everything other than the cause. We all know you aren’t really that mad because he didn’t do the dishes. Dig deep and ask yourself what the real issue is. We all have triggers we often forget about. Ask yourself why you’re mad and be conscious of your triggers so it will become easier and easier to identify your true emotions.
Step 4: Practice mindfulness
As I’ve shared with you adventurers many times, I suck at being mindful. I’m constantly stressed about the future. But when you’re able to live in the present, issues of the past shouldn’t affect you, and future worries shouldn’t matter. All that matters is the world right in front of you at this very moment. Stop dwelling over how he hurt you in the past and stop searching for the answers to your future.
Step 5: Look within
My mom once provided me with a useful analogy of experiencing pure love. Think of self-love as a cup of water. You must ensure that your cup is filled to the brim so that when you add more (i.e. love from someone else), your cup is overflowing. Don’t look for someone to fill your half empty cup. Love from others should only be an addition to the love you have for yourself. When you look towards other to fulfill your needs, you’re left with a half empty cup when they fall short. It’s imperative not to rely on anyone for your happiness.
Ladies, it’s time to seize back your emotions from men. We are emotional creatures, but we have the power to not be a slave to our emotions. Once you begin this shift, self-love will allow you to live a life with passion because you’ll be unfazed by the world around you including the men we can’t live with but can’t live without! Your happiness will depend on your ability to stay centered and mindful each and every day. Then and only then will you unlock the door to successful, loving, healthy relationships because you will have learned how to control your emotions.