To the one who got away,
These years have dragged by slowly, and every guy after you a painful reminder that nobody will ever be you. I never loved someone that way before or after you; it was always only you. When I lost you, I lost a part of myself, a part of myself I can never get back.
I still find and see remnants of you, all painful reminders of the love and life we don’t share anymore. Even when I see your number glare on my screen when you call, the idea of letting you go to voicemail crushes something deep inside of me. Deleting your voicemails before even listening to them takes all of the courage and control from every fiber of my existence. As much as I miss you and us, I know that you were the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
The truth is, it took me so many years, but after a while, I chose me over you and us. I chose to love myself even when it hurt me and felt like the wrong thing to do. I sacrificed you for the love and respect I had for someone more important- me. When I was tired, angry and anxious with myself, I craved for you to feed my self-guilt and self-doubt.
I remember you telling me that no matter who we were with, we would still be linked to one another in a way no other human being could be. You told me even if we were married to other people; you were confident our minds would wander, and we would eventually find our way back together. I finally have the strength to say that I’ve been clean and sober from your love and chose something much more potent, a deep love for life and myself.
You were the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I will never forgive you. I am however forever grateful for the hell you put my mind, body, and soul through so that I could forgive myself for ever choosing you or anyone above myself. You broke me, but I healed and became stronger. People now look to me as a strong independent self-loving powerhouse; one hell of a young woman. None of that would have been possible if you hadn’t broken me down. Now I’m shining baby.