What is it about connection? How does your heart know before your mind does? Like a secret your body has only shared with a part of you, leaving the traces for your thoughts to pick up.
How can you feel a certain way about someone before you know who they are? How can you possibly care about someone before you even know their character? How can our soul choose who we love before our brain has a chance to catch up?
It seems perfect at first. The way your butterflies align with your lack of breath. The way your blood seems to flow stronger as your heartbeats pump faster.
And then your head catches your heart, and the two begin to battle. Suddenly, the shortness of breath only follows the tears that stream down your face. Suddenly there’s only a hole in the space where your butterflies used to flutter.
When does it become too much for your heart? When do you transform from vulnerable and loving – from caring and affected, to the kind of person who remembers to protect her tender heart?
I sometimes wonder when I’ll reach the point when my heart stops falling. I thought it would have stopped now; I thought I had built a wall – that I didn’t care…
But it turns out my heart was only searching for someone who appeared to need affection and adoration. Something my heart still longed to give. My heart wanted to fill their void so badly.
The truth is, I don’t know how to be the girl that cares and doesn’t care at the same time. I don’t know how to play the game – well I do… but I don’t want to. It’s the only contradiction I don’t possess. The only paradox I can’t inhabit.
My head has followed my heart countless times, only to end up in a pool of confusion and distress enough to force my mind to block out the idea of love. Yet my heart continues to daringly and graciously find a way to let its warmth convince my mind yet again.
Maybe our souls are meant to lead us down the path for reasons outside of our awareness. Maybe the love before the heartbreak was the reminder we needed for compassion or to understand our needs. Maybe our hearts leave breadcrumb trails for our mind because without one we’d forget just why we’re fighting this seemingly endless battle.
They say the more failure, the closer to success.
So why not allow your heart to fall so vulnerably – for one last time. Why not expose her to another possible disruption of inner peace. Maybe she’s wrong… But then again, maybe her naivety is the only promise of the purest achievement of love. Learning to start over like you’ve never been hurt before.