Two things you should never do after a breakup

September 18, 2016 • Kayla

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I started my journey as a blogger for one reason: to help others be their best self. How? By sharing my honest, unadulterated experiences through life.Trust me; it’s not easy to put my life on blast, but I want to share my story, in real time, as I live it. So as I begin to type the words, I promise to be an open book, scouts honor. I’m going through a breakup. Gah, seeing the words makes it all the more real.

Those of you who follow my life via Adventurself know how tough this is for me. Breakups are NEVER easy, whether your relationship was three years or a short chapter in your romance novel, these moments force us to face truths about ourselves- whether we like it or not. I may not be emotionally ready to share my full story, but I have identified one action you should avoid like the plague if you’re going through a breakup- blame.

Fear of commitment, rejection, or adequacy is enough to stop most relationships from even beginning. If you’re a brave soul, you embark down the love road regardless of the potential heartbreak. You experience the honeymoon phase, ah those were the good ole days! Once all the shimmer fades, the reality sinks in, make it or break it time. If the twists and turns of life break your relationship, you’re left with the shattered pieces. Some pieces contain the beautiful memories you created while the jagged shards contain the irrevocable moments that haunt you for years to come.

Shoulda, coulda, wouldas. I hate them, but it’s almost inevitable to wonder what could have been if…

During my breakup, the toughest times have been when I searched for a scapegoat. I guess blame serves as a false sense of control. If you can relinquish your pain and anger onto someone, it somehow makes you feel better. For a bit anyways.

Blaming yourself

What’s done is done, so what’s the point in putting yourself down? We’re our toughest critics, so as easy as it might be to bash your ex, I’m sure you become Simon Cowell circa 2002 American Idol when it comes to yourself. I play out our past fights and watch them like a movie. Replaying, rewinding and pausing to identify the areas in which I went wrong.

Was  that stupid fight over the dishes worth it?

How could you say those terrible words to him?

Why did you leave?

The result? I feel like crap, and I feel hopeless because there’s nothing I can do about it because the past is the past.

You did what you could, to the best of your ability, at that moment. If you could have done more, than you would have- plain and simple. For whatever reason, your path led you to this moment so there’s no sense in fighting over the past. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself, you are going through a breakup for goodness sakes! Who needs more negativity at a time like this!

Blaming your ex

If you can forgive yourself, you can forgive your ex. Like I said, you did the best you could in the relationship, and so did your ex. They did the best they could. Forgiveness is key. As an avid Sex And The City fan, there’s an episode where Carrie questions whether or not you can be friends with an ex. Regardless of the ‘correct’ answer, she brings up a great point, “If you love someone, and you break up, where does the love go?”

Forgiveness is a reflection of love. Although your love for your ex has altered its form, use your remaining love to offer forgiveness. There’s nothing worse than feeling guilt over a failed relationship so don’t pass on those bad vibes to your former love. Remember why you broke up, there’s nothing wrong with that, but focus on all the memories and fun times you once shared. If it’s too fresh and you can’t help but spread negativity to your ex, listen to the words from a wise soul, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Stop the blame, let go of the anger and release all those toxins from your life.

I dedicate this post to my dear Adventurers going through a breakup (myself included), because this shit ain’t easy. It will take a lot of time to heal and recuperate but if there’s one thing you should avoid it’s putting the blame on yourself or your ex. Love can sometimes be a paradox; full of happiness and anger, excitement and disappointment, praise and blame. Don’t forget all the positives about love while you’re going through your heartache. Not only does it cloud the memories but it makes it that much harder to love again. Keep your head up kiddo; this too shall pass. In the meantime, join me as I eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with a glass of wine while reading Melissa’s Five Stages You Need To Experience After a Breakup.


Kayla Pina

Born and raised in the good ole’ 508, I currently work in product management for a major fitness brand in...
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